On the intimacy of female friendship
Memory lane redux
Happy Pride Month! I hope to celebrate by featuring some special literary guests on my Substack later in the month.
Last weekend I went to my first college reunion. With no sense of direction, I was so disoriented getting off the train (granted, the station had been rebuilt since my time) that I considered going right home.
On campus, I felt upside down. I tend to acclimate to a place by walking. After I had walked in circles for a while, and walked a half hour across town to meet a beloved work colleague for dinner, I felt slightly more grounded. Still, who were all these gray haired people who looked like my parents and grandparents? Why was I here?
I was a music major in college (viola) which was the best of choices and the worst of choices. The best included adored friends, two of who came to the reunion—pianists Gwendolyn Mok and Kathy Sommer. Gwen is a concert pianist with an exquisite sense of musicality and tone, a revered teacher, and an expert on Maurice Ravel, among her other talents. Kathy is a brilliant songwriter, conductor, and pianist, with endless fonts of creativity. We see each other rarely.
At the reunion, Gwen and I shared a hotel room. Our jaw muscles went at full clip, interspersed with tears over serious life events, and a whole lot of giggling. What’s important is not her impressive career, but the endless, loving support she gave me during my travails in the music department and in my emotional life, and the generous musical guidance and friendship she showed me during those years and beyond. Similarly with Kathy. I was clear in real time that Kathy was teaching me by example how to be a good friend. She is a wonderful listener, as well as a support and confidante, a musical collaborator (we played several concerts together), and role model. A maverick, Kathy bucked the staid mores of the music department by insisting that music is not solely a classical thing.
It was a joy to reconnect with many wonderful classmates at the reunion. College, I realized, was where I learned that meaningful friendships with women are a source of life. I realized as well that the importance of such intimacies is the most critical lesson I could have taken from college.
I was pleased to be a nominator for NPR’s summer reading list, and am looking forward to reading SHARKS DON’T SINK: ADVENTURES OF A ROGUE SHARK SCIENTIST by Jasmin Graham.
Love,
Martha
P.S. ICYMI, here’s last week’s newsletter: “Writing intimacy.”
Thank you for this, Martha. I met my two closest friends when we were freshmen. I misplaced one of them for decades, until she found me online through my writing, five years ago. We've talked on the phone every single week like a couple of grade school kids. I've never been out of touch with the other friend. We've grown old together since we were 18. She knows my history better than I do. My besties both live multiple time zones away from me. Thank goodness for technology. Thank goodness for the college we all hated.:)